Drugged on Fear: no. It is not individualism's fault that you are a commitment phobe

A soul relentlessly searching for tangs…

Time - LOCKDOWN. A real bundle of joy and happiness, isn’t it? Some cracked under the pressure of this experience, others decided to dive into the baffling maze of their mind to feel lost to a lesser degree; perhaps this could help us all feel 'sane' again...

The first step towards my mental jungle, of course, required a traditional approach with an alternative scent – an expensive and very well-known therapist, who told me I had ‘significant issues’; they are also known as control issues. He was right. During our conversation, C.H. introduced me to some yoga breathing techniques that I was already familiar with. At some point, he felt the need to prove his worth as a psychologist, as someone who’s well-respected in the field and is known as an expert, as someone who can be trusted, as someone who can ‘fix’ me… I let him share his story. He felt something was odd. This approach towards me as a patient was not effective. I smiled. He nodded. We both knew we were not going to see each other again. However, his line of action made me think about the abyss in which desire for control was born, and how come homo sapiens do not understand that their starvation for dominance, especially in relationships with others, often comes from their insecurities? By the way, interestingly, the need for control is defined as biological imperative for survival. Does that mean we are all 'drugged' on fear?

F E A R

We have all read at least one of the Facebook or Instagram posted ‘brainy quotes’ from spiritual healers, old poets, gurus or philosophers, who are convinced there is no love in a heart full of fear. Surprisingly… I agree. Let’s take a closer look at Millennials and Gen-Z. The vicious cycles of control issues and lack of desire for commitment seem like attractive and quite disturbing mental traps that I wanted to understand in depth due to my love for psychological adventures.

This short cycle describes the bumpy road of Fear, especially when it involves relationships and human interaction outside of work environment.

I had a chat with both males and females in order to hear different points of view and understand their perception of freedom, relationship, and fear. The story of a 30-year-old woman surprised me, but also entertained and inspired me! She was deeply shaken by Millennials’ inability to connect with others, even though she was one of us; the brunette also mentioned how, a week before our meetup, she went on a date with a good looking guy. Everything seemed nice at first, they had interesting conversations about life, art and even literature, but right after he finished his appetiser, she confessed she was looking for long term, marriage and kids. The lady was close to believing he could be the one, and the label potential "marriage material" was suitable for him. She wanted to be honest, especially after they had that special click already. Awkward silence. Confused looks. The man apologised for not being the one she’s looking for and left soon after that.

I thought about the cycle once again - this is why we have exhausting chasers and constant runners– fear of uncertainty. There is nothing wrong with being honest about what you like and what you are looking for, the problem, however, comes up when the opposite is present and the lack of clear communication eventually leads to disappointment.

Fashion magazines. Disney movies. Alpha male. PornHub.

Disney fans often believe in fairy-tale scenarios, where their beloved ones come to save them from the hardships of life, then they experience the happily ever after full stop. Pornhub, on the other hand, teaches us how to fuck without connection; I mean, who needs real connection when they can sleep with N amount of pretty women/men; no need to talk, just pure sex, any time, any place?

The statistics show that Millennials are indeed commitment phobes in comparison to their parents and grandparents, according to the Pew Research Centre. In the light of this research, I have come across many relationship articles that criticise individualism as a main reason why commitment phobia exists as a term, however, I disagree with this statement. If the idea of ‘you do not need a partner to be happy’ sounds threatening, it may originate from the abyss of insecurities and lead to the cycle of fear. Unfortunately, many problems are often born there. The ‘happily ever after’ Disney bubble bursts at the moment one is in a relationship with another human being who has similar (or different) insecurities; eventually, both parties will project the mentioned insecurities onto each other at some point in the relationship, due to the lack of desire to leave their comfort zones. Then, we'd have two potential options for the love birds – a) more fear, b) inspiration. If we choose fear, we can go back to the vicious cycle of mutual repulsion, where both mortals demand to remain the way they are, without self-work and with a jar full of expectations targeting the ‘other half’. If you choose inspiration, the communication becomes an adventure because you both ‘light’ different angles of each other, without being obsessive/pushy/ or whatever other negative adjective one may have in mind. Working with your emotions, challenging your beliefs, and widening your horizons is the healthy ‘collaboration’ in individualism. That cannot lead you to the mentioned vicious cycle of fear. It only leads to one of the many forms of true freedom- love for one’s self and the projection of this love outside.

Of course, there is an unhealthy version of ‘You do not need a partner to be happy’ where we have an individual who, perhaps, suffered from a negative relationship example – being hurt, being chased, being emotionally drained are all part of the lessons we learn, the only way to escape from their repetition is by accepting they exist, appreciating them and not creating gigantic walls to protect ourselves from the same in future. We have all seen at least one of the Secret movies where scientists and writers try to explain (in a creative way) the law of attraction. The exotic idea of ‘your vibe = your life’ is quite popular. Well, there probably is something true in there – think about the times you were in love, individuals often joke about the fact they attract more people with similar interests when they are already in the state of love, compared to the time when they are in the process of searching for a partner. When we are hunting for love, the vibe of being in love is usually missing, because of the presence of another force known as the process of expectations. As we know, expectations always demand a certain result, and people do not realise the state of love (the vibe it carries) they are looking for is born inside them, unfortunately, it cannot be injected or delivered from the outside world...

However, if we go back to the ‘unhealthy’ understanding of individualism, we can spot a key word – control. Our ego, which is responsible for our physical well-being, is also responsible for our fears; fear and the illusion of freedom are both instruments of our beloved master (Ego) which is trying to protect us from emotional traumas, potential repetitive experiences, et cetera. I am not saying we need to give up on our ego, definitely not. I am saying be a master of your ego and try to understand why things that make you feel uncomfortable make you feel this way. Understand why things you are afraid of became phobias in first place. In general, can we claim we are true adventurers if we are afraid to unlock the doors to our own (sub)consciousness?

F R E E D O M

Recently I came across a study from 2013 that claims the likelihood of marital breakup in relationships that began online is lower compared to the ‘real deal’ meetup. Let us dig deeper into the idea of marriage. According to The Guardian, many commitment issues stem from the resistance to the idea of spending one's entire life with a single partner. We may love and desire our partners, yet the notion of forever forgoing the variety of romantic options can be disconcerting and profoundly thought-provoking.

Marriage, I believe, can be viewed as a phase, a gateway, a fusion, a choice, a challenge, or even a miracle depending on one's perspective. I candidly admit that a part of me rejects the concept of marriage as a ultimate destination. This confession might lead you to consider me not only a typical millennial grappling with commitment issues but also a paradox for crafting spiritual musings while contemplating the Cycle of Fear, which, incidentally, has no sway over me.

An interesting quote from The Independent, also focused on commitment issues and marriage, describes the lonely road of the dating chase: ‘We’re used to stories of desperate women waiting for their boyfriends to propose to them or struggling to tie down a man who just won’t commit…’ Can you sense the desperation? Can you discern the squandered energy in pursuing something that doesn't align with both parties' desires in a relationship? Can you see why reality often diverges from societal expectations? Can you identify the recurring 'chase-run' dynamic that propels us back into the Cycle of Fear?

I don't fear marriage itself, but I grapple with accepting it as a sole objective or final destination. Hence, I've named the concluding part of this article "Freedom" because it acknowledges the significance of tradition while introducing the allure of novelty. The intersection of these two realms introduces a precarious dance—a divine interplay between two contrasting 'universes.' This interaction can either lead to devastation, as even the ostensibly mightiest universe may reveal vulnerabilities, and the seemingly feeble one may, in fact, exhibit strength. Alternatively, it can result in elevation, with both sides bringing forth their finest selves, manifesting their existence in the most refined and optimal form.

After profound contemplation, I've reached the conclusion that "commitment" should neither be wholeheartedly embraced by the old nor categorically rejected by the new. Instead, it should be a unique synergy of two universes, wherein they build upon each other's strengths, facilitating the emergence of the best within each.