The five emotional masks we wear

Ever caught yourself in a head-scratching moment, wondering why you've said something hurtful or didn't stand up for yourself when you should have? We've all been there. This blog, inspired by the wisdom of 'Heal Your Wounds & Find Your True Self' by Lise Bourbeau, takes us on a journey to understand why we occasionally shoot ourselves in the foot, or worse, aim at the feet of those we care about.

Lise Bourbeau, writer and founder of international school dedicated to personal growth and well-being, has an interesting theory suggesting that all the inner demons we deal with originate from five key emotional wounds linked to the relationship with our parents: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice. These wounds are not necessarily caused by real-life events but by our feelings. It’s not about what happened to us, but how we perceived it.

To cope with these wounds, we wear personality masks: withdrawal, dependence, masochism, control and rigidity. Our ego builds these masks, as its main goal is to keep us safe from pain and wounds. These masks are meant to protect us, but they end up feeding the wounds and keeping them alive.

According to Bourbeau, the wounds start in childhood, where we are all fresh-faced and authentic. Then, we experience situations where we can’t act as our authentic self anymore. That's when the emotional crisis hits and we end up creating these personality masks. The deeper the wound, the more rigid the mask. Some of us might even collect a whole set of wounds, like an emotional Pokémon.

Rejection Wound and the ‘Withdrawal’ mask

The earliest emotional wound we encounter in life is the feeling of rejection, which can take root even before our birth, in the context of an unwanted pregnancy. This feeling of rejection is closely linked to our same-sex parent and gives rise to what is referred to as the ‘Withdrawal’ mask.

Withdrawers often experience a sense of worthlessness and low self-esteem in their relationships with others. They often feel misunderstood and therefore prefer loneliness and don’t like to draw attention to themselves. In their world, their existence feels like a burden to others, prompting them to adopt various escape mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, sleep, daydreaming, virtual games, etc. Finding a sense of belonging is very challenging for them but also one of their greatest needs.

Physical manifestations of this mask may manifest as a frail, tense and weak body, marked by some asymmetrical features. According to Bourbeau, some health issues that they may face at different stages in their life include conditions like anorexia, skin problems, diarrhoea, arrhythmia, cancer, allergies, low blood sugar, diabetes and even depression.

The traps of the Ego linked to the mask:

Withdrawers often convince themselves that they genuinely care for themselves and others in an attempt to shield from the pain of past rejections.

Healing the wound:

Signs of progress include developing the courage to seek attention from others, cultivating a positive self-image and experiencing reduced fear during moments of panic. In these moments, it might be helpful to ask yourself the question, 'What's the worst that could happen?'. Listen to the answer and continue asking this question with each response you provide. This method often helps calm your mind. Read the last section of this blog to learn what are the first steps you need to take in order to achieve these results.

Abandonment Wound and the ‘Dependent’ mask

Occurring between the ages of 1 to 3, the abandonment wound is often linked to a perceived lack of nurturing and support from the same-sex parent This emotional wound gives rise to the ‘Dependent’ mask, characterised by a relentless pursuit of attention.

The ‘Dependent’ longs for reliance on others and has a strong need for attention. They may use drama as a tool to draw people in, shifting between roles of the victim and saviour to maintain the spotlight and attract the compassion they crave. Behind their social adeptness lies a deep well of sadness, with a propensity for self-pity. The dependent seeks refuge in the spotlight of others' attention, for their greatest fear is loneliness. In their quest for belonging, they may flipflop with emotional highs and lows and often feeling sad without knowing why. The Dependents love talking about themselves and anything linked to them as an individual: their culture, their country, their personality, their life experiences, you name it. Interestingly, they’d usually be generous with others in hope that they will receive this generosity and help from people in future. As mentioned already, the thought of being alone or lonely can be terrifying for them, leading to constant self-pity and emotional exaggeration. Their greatest fear is loneliness, their most pressing need revolves around getting attention from their social milieu.

Physical manifestation of this mask can be long and thin body with relatively weak legs. They often possess melancholic eyes. According to Bourbeau, health challenges they might face encompass back problems, asthma, bronchitis, migraines, spectre of depression, low blood sugar, diabetes, agoraphobia and adrenal gland issues.

The traps of the Ego linked to the mask:

Dependents like to do freelance, like to say they feel content when they are alone and that they do not need anyone to be happy.

Healing the wound:

Take steps to understand your own self, find contentment and happiness in your own company, without seeking others’ attention. Avoid dramatising and exaggerating events in your life and learn to pay attention to what others are saying.

Humiliation Wound and the ‘Masochist’ mask

The third emotional wound, making its entrance between the ages of 1 to 3, is frequently linked with the primary caregiver, often the mother. Children encounter this wound when they experience a sense of shame and degradation at the hands of their parents, especially after moments of any type of sensual pleasure. Imagine a scenario where a parent scolds their child for being messy and calls them ‘clumsy’, ‘careless’ when they accidentally spill something or ‘you’re a failure’ and ‘you’re stupid’ when the child makes a simple mistake. This kind criticism can deeply wound the child, leading to feelings of humiliation and a sense of worthlessness.

The parental response, often marked by repression, shackles the child’s sense of freedom and this can give birth to the ‘Masochist’ mask. People with this mask find an unusual form of gratification in suffering. They face difficulties expressing their needs, as they are driven by a deep-rooted fear of shame. As a result, they tend to suppress their desires related to not only sexuality and food but other spheres in their lives (depending on what they have been criticised about).

The Masochists often experience feelings of inferiority, unworthiness and impurity. Self-blame becomes a second nature and they frequently subject themselves to self-imposed punishments. The reason why they do that is to get validation in the eyes of loved ones, God (if religious) or the world. The role of selfless servant becomes their duty, often placing others on a pedestal, yet they recoil from being mothered in return. Interestingly, they might be critical and offensive towards others, often using lots of excuses. Masochists shrink from the notion of freedom, perceiving it as an abyss devoid of boundaries and overflowing with excess pleasure, paradoxically, their greatest fear and most profound need are both hidden in the roots of freedom.

Physical manifestation of this mask can be chubby or overweight body, with eyes that exude innocence. This mask generates an abundance of pent-up energy and stores tension in areas such as neck, throat, jaw and pelvis. Their body is often inflexible. They may have health issues with back, shoulders, throat, respiratory system, liver, thyroid gland and heart.

The traps of the Ego linked to the mask:

Masochists like to convince themselves that anything they do is for others (that they have an altruistic nature) and that makes them happy as it’s a fundamental need of theirs.

Healing the wound:

Start prioritising personal needs over the need to please others, easing self-imposed limitations and feeling free to ask for assistance without perceiving yourself a burden. Communication is the first step towards building healthy boundaries.

Betrayal Wound and the ‘Controller’ mask

This wound emerges in the formative years between 2 to 4 and often revolves around the parent of the opposite sex. The Betrayal wound can be seen as the other side of the abandonment wound but when the latter are all about ‘being’ and ‘existing’, the betrayal wound is about ‘having’ and ‘doing’. According to Bourbeau, this wound can also be linked with unresolved Oedipus complex in boys or the Electra complex in girls, where the child perceives manipulation and betrayal due to unmet expectations from the parent from the opposite sex. This is also the stage where children start getting aware of their bodies. The fallout of this betrayal is the birth of the ‘Controller’ mask.

Controllers can be very uncompromising as they want to show others what they are capable of. They often project personas of responsibility, strength and authority. They believe in the righteousness of their views and tirelessly strive to persuade others to conform to their perspectives. However, people with this mask lack patience and often get irritated if things don’t go as fast as they want. Suspicion, distrust and the need for control dominate their interactions, leading them to micro-manage and oversee every aspect of their environment. They excel in the arts of persuasion, manipulation and seduction. Controllers need to be indispensable to those around them and fiercely guard their plans against any disruptions. Interestingly, while they may lie with ease, they detest being on the receiving end of falsehoods. Their reputation carries significant weight and they're often drawn to wealth and fame, nurturing dreams of standing out as unique and important. People with this wound also detest asking for help. They tend to be intolerant and rarely show vulnerability to anyone outside of their close circle.

Controllers often enjoy criticising those who carry the ‘Dependent’ mask as they see them as weak or cowards, but they also carry a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Despite their aspirations to be seen as responsible leaders, Controllers often fall short of this ideal by placing blame on others rather than taking responsibility. Their greatest fear revolves around dissociation and denial, as these concepts are synonymous with betrayal in their eyes. Of all five masks, Controllers are the ones who have the most expectations from others.

Physical manifestation of this mask can be a robust physique, with men often showcasing upper body strength, while women might exhibit thicker thighs, hips and buttocks. Their eyes exude intensity and allure. According to Bourbeau, health issues can stem from difficulties in maintaining bodily control, including conditions such as diarrhoea or even paralysis.

The traps of the Ego linked to the mask:

Controllers like to convince themselves that they never utter a lie, that they always keep their promises and that nothing and no one scares them.

Healing the wound:

Accept that plans can sometimes be disturbed by external forces and use your love for control to navigate your reactions towards these disruptions. Progress is also observed when Controllers experience a reduced need to be the centre of attention.

Injustice Wound and the ‘Rigid’ mask

This wound usually takes place between the ages of 4 to 6, when the child realises that they are a separate person with their own character traits and characteristics, and typically involves the same-sex parent. If the parent is harsh and has a critical demeanour during the child’s formative years, it prompts the child to distance themselves from their sensitive side and aspire towards efficiency and perfection.

The result of wound is the birth of the ‘Rigid’ mask. Individuals with this mask are marked by their perfectionist tendencies. They rarely seek assistance or acknowledge their vulnerability, often projecting an air of coldness, insensitivity, anger and envy. In their world, knowledge is more important than emotions. They rarely show their sensitive side as they fear it might entail a loss of control and lead to being perceived as less than perfect in the eyes of other. They do not like to be late, but often this still happens. Rigids often exaggerate, using words like ‘never’ or ‘always.’

The Rigids need fairness and justice in all aspects of their lives. They always rationalise their actions, even when at fault, without recognising the injustice they may inflict on others. However, they are often optimistic and dynamic, even when battling sadness and fatigue. They avoid medical attention and dislike accepting they are feeling unwell or in general acknowledge illness. Logically, they have little patience for laziness. While Rigids fear emotional coldness, their most pressing need revolved around the concept of freedom.

Physical manifestation of this mask can be stiff and well-proportioned bodies with a straight posture and flat stomach. They can sound sharp and a bit mechanical. They might feel tension in their neck, back and knees. According to Bourbeau, they can suffer from ‘burnout, premature ejaculation, cramps, liver-related problems, dry skin, nervousness, insomnia and poor vision’.

The traps of the Ego linked to the mask:

The Rigid ones often share how excellent they are, that they have no problems in their lives and that they have many friends who love them the way they are.

Healing the wound:

Start expressing your feelings openly, vulnerability is the key to heal this wound. Indications of healing can also include accepting one's imperfections and coming to terms with past mistakes.

What are the first steps before healing the wound?

As we journey into adulthood, we gain the strength and wisdom to confront our inner wounds with more mature coping mechanisms, enabling us to shed our protectives masks. In Bourbeau’s book, there are several essential practices that come into play when in the process of unmasking and healing a wound. Some of them might sound like a cheesy cliché that the Internet often feeds us with, but when implemented, it does work.

• Self-compassion – reduce resentment, shame and self-directed anger to achieve feeling of content.

• Self-authenticity – embrace and accept our genuine selves, including the uncomfortable feelings that we experience, free from the chains of pretence.

• Emotional Autonomy - understand our own desires, aspirations and passions and actively work towards achieving them. This can include work projects, gym projects, travelling or anything else that we find exciting.

Once we start practicing these, we need to be mindful of the processes happening in our bodies and get a moment of reflection every day. We need to recognise which wound(s) was triggered throughout the day, accept that it has happened and forgive ourselves for letting it happen. When an old wound is triggered, the mask swiftly reasserts itself, causing discomfort not only for us but those around us. In order to take steps towards healing this wound, we need to recognise that we are no longer behaving authentically. We then identify the activated wound and acknowledge that wounds are a normal facet of the human experience. Next, we express gratitude to our masks for having helped us cope with pain, and finally, we can lower our shields. Or, in a nutshell, Bourbeau prescribes a four-step path towards reversing and healing these emotional wounds:

1. Understanding the masks. Learning about the masks and recognising which ones are currently active.

2. Taking responsibility. Accepting responsibility for our role in the mask's adoption.

3. Embracing compassion. Allowing ourselves to feel the resentment we experienced as children and transitioning towards compassion. Forgiving our parents entails recognising the pain they, too, have endured. * (It’s not easy to just forgive and move on because you are told to. Even though parents are older than us, they also experienced one or several wounds and are very likely to not be aware of them. This is when they come across hurtful. If we start being mindful of our own emotions/reactions, we will be able to be compassionate despite the triggers because we will understand that these are not personal attacks but emotional blockages.)

4. Rediscovering authenticity. In this final step, we reclaim our true selves. Our self-love, self-acceptance and authenticity are at their peak. We make peace with life's challenges, viewing them as valuable learning experiences.